Mumbling of "extra-ordinary" self

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
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First of all, i'm so sorry all my dear readers.
Today i just want to pour all my heart's contents in this entry.
Feel free to jump to any other entry if you're not that interest.
Again, i am really sorry.

ISTJ - this is my personality.
( You can check further information here )
Before, i never give any damn about my personality.
As long as i feel good, any will be okay.
Till i realized my task as a daie.
Yah, life been tougher since then.
Am I hate this personality? 
Yes. you can say that.
Why am I so uncomfortable with my personality now?
.
The true daie should be somebody whom can reach people, easily mingled with people surrounding him/her right?
Everyone feel so good when talking to them.
They speak wonderful words.
They touch your heart.
Right?
Cool if you're one..

mingle around with people will ya?

But who is ISTJ? 
( to be more exact, who am I? because my personality is a blend of the given personality + upbringing + experience.)
I like to live inside my world most of the time ( not all the time).
Hardly speak with others especially in the crowd.
I always wait to be reached than reaching other people.
I am not so fancy to meet new people. It's really straining my every nerves~
Even already known one. (=.=)

still wondering which type you are?
take this test and share it if you like
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourpersonalitytypequiz/

I'm so strict especially things related to behavior.
I mean it takes time for me to tolerate with misbehavior that actually is not that misbehavior.
Because i am somebody who is perfectionist.
(So much one.)
It is so hard to accept even a small defect except if it is myself.
(contradicting right?)
.
What else?
Oh, lacking sentiment regarding other people's condition.
Tend to be selfish and ignorance about other.
Having problem to express my true feeling.
Crying alone is something i do often. (*smile)
.
Haha there's still times that i can act beyond my known personality.
I can be someone who teasing others, speaks nonsense, cracks silly jokes...
Often if I do that, all people will ask me,
" are you okay?"
Are they thought an alien has exchanged itself with me? 
* rolling eyes
The truth is, i just love to do that.
But not with all people, not all the time.
When the mood is there, that's me actually.
.
Hmm people sometimes see me as someone that like to fight with others
(not sometimes, many times)
But actually, i just wanna know the truth behind every act done till i feel satisfy.
My curiosity very very high that i still not find  people that can stand it till now.
I hate to be misunderstood that's why i try not to misunderstand others 
(although i do it often. that's why i like to ask.)
.
I do bad under stress mode.
That's the reason why i choose to sleep when i am in stress.
Cause if i say something that time, i will only speak hurtful words.
If i'm doing something, u'll only see the unsatisfying results. 
.
Well, enough said.
Even there is more, i think all above are the most obvious one.
Being a daie is not easy if you have this kind of personality.
The path is already difficult, plus with all this,
It becomes so unbearable.
This is why this personality made me like a very hot worm
( baca : cacing kepanasan ^.^)
.
I keep asking my colleagues of this path how to overcome my problem,
but i think not all are helpful. ( sorry girls T.T)
Speaking hurtful words yet they are not in my shoes...
I can't blame them right? They also have their own issues.
.
That's why I just feel like i'm battling alone.
I am really tired. so tired that i just want to stop.
But, i guess because i'm not doing this because of myself, i will keep on moving.
Even it's so hard. Very. T.T
.
The verses that keep me stay,
that keep me battle with myself,
that supply me with strength,
that is my friend when i feel alone,
that soothe my heart which burdened with so many issues,
are these:- 
[ 13 : 11 ]

" ... Sesungguhnya ALLAH tidak akan mengubah keadaan sesuatu kaum hinggalah kaum itu mengubah keadaan mereka sendiri.."

[ 9 : 20]

" Orang-orang yang beriman dan berhijrah serta berjihad di jalan ALLAH dengan harta dan jiwa mereka, adalah lebih tinggi darjatnya di sisi ALLAH. Mereka itulah yang memperoleh kemenangan.."

I have my goal when i jot this entry down.
Apart for you to know me more (*evil smile..even if you not know who am I..) 
I also want to give supporting words for those whom also feel like they are battling alone.
You're not alone.
ALLAH with you.
HE just want you to be more strong, more confident, more burning power..
Give up is something you have to remove from your life dictionary.
.
ISTJ may be my personality right now.
But, it is not the forever hindrance for me.
I'm willing to change.
And i'm trying with my own way.
Difficult is a certain.
But that's something you're created for.
Just handle it with care.
[ 90 : 4 ]

" Sungguh KAMI telah mencipta manusia untuk berada dalam kepayahan.."

Not all my personality is the bad one.
I also have the good side.
I am a perseverance one ( even I doubt it..) 
and etc - not intended to mention all.. hehe.
Just be yourself that you feel you wanna be.
Changing personality is not a one day matter,
But it will change your whole life forever.

"Our personalities can be very complicated and many-sided. But that is what makes each one of us special. "

Wallahua'lam..